Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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