Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
