no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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