Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
