Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
