I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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