so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
