And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
