If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
