there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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