i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
