No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tonight lets celebrate not being married
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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