I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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