I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i think i just lost a toe
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
