We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
