$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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