if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
