I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
