Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
