Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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