The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
my poor anus
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
