4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
