Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.