I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
