and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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