everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
