life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
