I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
