I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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