I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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