what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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