Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
