I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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