you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
