she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
