The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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