I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
