all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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