My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
