I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
