I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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