Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
