and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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