so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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