Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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