everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
