If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
