his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
