Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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