I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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