Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
only you would photoshop your dick
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I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.