there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition