we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick