Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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