I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
