My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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