Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
