I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
