Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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