I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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